Parenting Tips to Help Children Overcome the Hitting Habit

Kids lash out due t their fears rooted in past experiences

It may seem odd but children who hit are usually the ones who are afraid. Their fears have roots in some frightening experiences earlier in life, even though they may not seem affected. To deal with fear, the child develops an aggressive behavior that flares when she feels tense. Instead of crying or sharing her fears, she tightens up, can’t ask for help, and lashes out.

To help a fearful child you need to make her feel safe. It is also important to build a connection that’ll help her feel protected. Whether you are a parent, caregiver, a loving relative or a friend you need to take proactive steps to prevent her from landing any impulsive swats.

Once you connect, the child will begin to share the passionate feelings that drive her impulse to hit. Listening to her feelings, while preventing her from hurting anyone, allows a child to release the underlying fear, so she can relax and see others as her friends, rather than a threat.

1. Build stronger connection: To build a strong connection, set up opportunities to connect more often. Try to have some special time very early in the day. Pay warm, affectionate attention. This helps a child see that she is important to you, even if there are other siblings, a morning schedule and early phone calls you have to attend to. It puts first things first in the family. 

On a play date, you might set up some hide-and-seek games to involve the children who will be playing together. Add yourself to the mix, get down on the floor, and play with affection. See if you can get laughter going by taking the less powerful role. When there’s laughter (without tickling) and they are “winning,” you’re Playlistening. The laughter and sense of safety and power in Playlistening helps children bond with each other and releases tension. It helps them get a sense that they are safe, treasured, and secure in your presence.

At a family gathering, organise a tag game or an “I want to give you a hug” game that the children can win. You might, for instance, open your arms to try to give them big bear hugs. But stumble, fall, and fail. They will love getting the best of you. Nuzzle them now and then, but be sure not to be a very competent hugger. Make eye contact while you play. This kind of play is sheer heaven for children.

The child who tends to hit may, during such a playtime, find a chance to unpack her upsets in a more workable way. She might bang an elbow, or find a defect in the cracker you offer her, or look you in the eye and then start to use a crayon on your wall. When you approach her gently to bring a limit, she has a reason to cry and perspire or throw a tantrum. This expression of emotion is the beginning of the healing process for the feelings that she carries, most likely, the same feelings that sometimes cause her to hit.

2. Stay listen: This means staying close, not taking the ensuing emotional storm personally, and letting the child know that you’re there for her. You pour in support; she pours out her fear and upset. Often, a child goes quickly from “My cracker is broken, I need a new cracker!” to “I need my Mommy!” and from complaint to sheer panic. Listen. No need to try to fix anything. There will be time later for a band-aid, or to consider the cracker again. Reassure her that you’ll watch over her and keep her safe. The passion you see is what drives her impulsive behavior. A genuine internal healing is occurring. All the child needs is your warmth, eye contact and a few words about the fact that she’s safe with you. 

3. Stay close: If building the connection doesn’t quickly result in a big cry about some small thing, then you’ll need to stay close to your impulsive hitter. Watch for signs of increasing tightness. Children often (but not always) give you signals that their negative feelings are bubbling up. Their voices become edgy. Their faces lose mobility and sometimes lose color as well. They avoid natural, communicative eye contact. When you see this, move closer. What you can do is to make sure that her impulsive behavior hurts no one.

Set a limit. For instance, you might try hooking your arm around the frequent hitter’s midsection, and gently nudging her a step away from the other children. You are not forbidding any further play. You are simply insuring safety. Your sense of calm and your gentle touch will probably help her notice the tension that’s rising in her. She might squirm and try to push you away. She may fume, and work her way into a good cry. Your limit is helpful as you are preventing a frightened child from feeling ashamed because her impulses overcame her and hurt someone again. When she finally bursts into tears, stay and llisten. 

This process can be used again and again, to help a child who carries a knot of fear big enough to require several rounds of proactive limits and emotional release.